Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Blogs are just verbal masturbation

HAha! So why keep one?

(we've reached one of those hours where my internal dialog is running rampant, and today I invite you to come along.)

Most people don't have much interesting to talk about. Most subjects are boring... most blogs seem to be about -feelings- and most people don't know how to really write about what inside them, or outside them... I generally don't read blogs with personal experiences or internal dialog. I tend to read stuff that passes on information, or stuff that makes me laugh or makes me think.

So, of course I'm going to write about me, experiences, feelings. Yes I am that narcissistic... or really it has (almost) nothing to do with that. If I don't write any of this down, nobody else will. A man I knew once comes to mind as I get into this blogging bit again. Easily one of the top ten most interesting people I have ever met, he kept an online diary he started back in the late ninety's, and continued to write about his life till his accidental death in July of 05. The public online diary is gone unfortunately (EDIT: Thank goodness for web archives), but I managed to dig up this quote:

"I look at this place as a scrapbook / journal. A digital version of the paper ones I've kept my entire life. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't read any more into it than necessary. And in a morbid way, a record of my predilections that will hopefully live on after I die, on some server, somewhere. Grandiose? Maybe. Maybe I just have the balls to admit it. Maybe one day, in the year 2201, a relation of mine will see these zeros and ones, and say, "Damn, he had fun." That is, if we don't annihilate one and other."

"Maybe I'll inspire you to be exactly who you want to be. Maybe you'll call me a fool."

I wouldn't call us close friends. We chatted online, I got to meet him in Denver, and we spoke on the phone a few. But interesting, interesting in a way few people are. Passionate, & himself always without apology, and for me an inspiration still. I still think about you Keith Alexander, and I wish you were here.

AH great now I'm all fucking emotional and I forgot what I was going to talk about.

-goes gets coffee-
-comes back-

ok now I remember.

So I was thinking about what to include here. I love to document things, take pictures, make notes (often indecipherable if I hand write them), and draw. It's part of how I express, how I think. Everything I make is part of a history, mine, someone I know, or linked to some historical fact. The confusing part (or the part where it's about to get confusing) is much of what comes to me is internal, stuff that comes without words. I was thinking about fleshing out a bit of a biography, so much of who we become is made up of how we start out as kids, and the experiences we had. Much of my childhood was spent in a severe depression, and from what I remember I didn't talk much. I didn't know how to say or make people understand what was going on with me or how to control the anger I had (which is where I think it came from, unexpressed anger when not dealth with turns inward and can become depression). Because of that I became expressive in other ways... so much of how I think is... color, or sound, or feeling, or something that I lack a narrative language for. It may be linked to that thing people call a learning disability (which just means I process info differently than most other folks do). But life growing up wasn't all black clouds, there were other experiences with nature... well, mostly with nature, and having one or two teachers that didn't see me as lazy or weird (I know what they thought because my mom kept all the records that teachers noted about me from kindergarten through 6th grade. It's interesting to see what people assume about you without really knowing you based off of a diagnosis). I'm thinking if this art crap works out, this would be good stuff to know. So maybe later I'll stick that in here somewhere.

HAH this blog is left to the whim of my fancy! More about work and such in the future (because you can just scroll down if you want to see the past)

Music this time around is by E.S. Posthumus. Song- Arise


Saturday, November 14, 2009

Kind of an FAQ...

Most common question I get is 'Who are those people in your paintings?'. I generally give a quick answer 'they aren't anyone, I make them up'. That is both true and not true. N' so I better give a more fleshed out answer for the folks who want to know.

Yes, most of the people in my work do not exist. I don't use models, the type of technique I've been developing requires I know & understand anatomy, and I will pull references when I need to... but I don't have people pose for me. There are times when I do paint from life, and those paintings are titled with the individuals name.

So where does it come from? The ideas for my paintings come from stories (my own or inspired by others I've met), mythology, and some deep whatever that regurgitates out of me from time to time (generally emotional or a reaction to something I've seen or read, but not always). Probably the best way to explain how this works is to go into detail about one of the paintings I've done, and the best one I think to tell that s
tory is Callisto.

This was originally inspired by
the painting by Francois Boucher "Jupiter In the Guise of Diana and the Nymph Callisto," (1759). For those unfamiliar with the story, click here. Basically Zeus seduces her in the guise of the Goddess she served & loved (Artemis/Diana), who gets pissed off & blames her for what happened and casts her away. Depending on which story you read, either Diana turns Callisto into a bear, or Zeus does to hide what he did from his wife. At some point she gives birth to a son, & it's either he who later tries to kill her when Callisto attacks him out of revenge for what was done to her, or Diana does. Zeus in order to avert tragedy puts Callisto and her son in the sky as Ursa Major and Minor, AKA the big and little dipper.

So, in my painting we have Callisto (note she's in somewhat the same position as Ursa Major) laying on a blanket (the blue and white of the blanket are supposed to be reminiscent of Boucher's painting). Because I painted her from above, she looks suspended. The peach she's holding is a reference to a romantic devotion to the divine feminine, and I used 'hot' colors to indicate arousal. I got inspired to create the pattern around her from looking at photographs of trees in sunlight and the shadows they form on the ground. She's curvy, because I wanted to paint a curvy nude, and I also wanted to include pubic hair because I don't see female pubic hair in art very often. So here, Callisto is reclaiming her own sexuality apart from anyone or anything else, by being her own raw naked self.

Or that's the general idea anyway. Part of this came from many conversations I've had with women growing up with negative self images of themselves (a common conversation brought up over and over again). I've learned a while back that people identify with the images they see, often they identify with the subject either as part something they are, or as a part of the story or experience of someone they may know or identify with. A big part of what influences me are icons, especially medieval icons, frescoes, & tapestries. They capture a whole idea, story, emotional play in a single image. This relates directly to how I think and approach image making. My work is a snapshot of part of a story that you'll never be told... they relate to archetypes, in a way. I get asked, 'Are these self portraits?'. On the surface no, but in a way they are perhaps indirectly. Bus Stop Waiting relates to a trip I took when I was 19, and was painted at a period in my life where I was quasi-homeless. The girl isn't supposed to be me, but the emotions are. Girl in Tall Grass is about a memory of fields in Ohio I wandered through when I was young. The red bird indicates change (menstruation, growing up), and there's more symbolism, but I don't want to go too much into it. I really would rather the viewer come up with their own symbolism in relation to the painting. While I may have abstract reasons (be they personal or historical) into why I created the image, I know full well the viewer may not have the same knowledge or experience, and that's ok. It's not required.

The book I'm working on is a slight departure from the figurative work I've done in the past, sorta. I can't help but be literal, it's also in how I think and relate. But yeah, things are coming along, and I'll write more about that later.

So for this round, here's something I've been listening to lately. Song: Alive! Band: Omina

Monday, November 9, 2009

slight irritation

Well in the past week or so I've been thinking of talking about meditation, or something equally wise-ish & profound-ish. I've been thinking about discussing how I was introduced to meditation techniques when I was 16, and how it's been a useful and important practice for me, allowing me to learn about myself and deal with my problems (and I'll say at this point I've had large gaps, that I have not been steady in my practice, and how and what I do has changed and modified over time). But I think I'll save all that for later.

Nah, tonight I've been thinking about the important of romantic relationships, and if they are really as good and as wonderful as people say. But then I wonder if that's too personal? It's not anyone's business what my personal life is unless I choose to share it with you. I could talk about how I've been more single than not, and how tonight I am thinking... that this is not a bad thing. I don't need anyone to complete me, or tell me I am special or worthy of... whatever. I'm fine, really fine, all on my own. Perhaps even better in fact, I have nobody to answer to, nobody to take care of, nobody that has to rely on me for anything. There is peace here and comfort in that there is no fighting, no drama, no worry, no stress. But that's probably saying to much, and who really cares about people's personal shit anyway? It's just gossip and bull.

I could talk about how I have a few kind hearted but invasive individuals that, while they mean well... I'd rather they leave well enough alone and let me tend to my own business. But again, too personal.

What I can say is I've been working on the concept of the book, and I think I have a better understanding of what I need to do... but I don't want to give you too many details about that because I don't want to blow my wad too soon.

Ah well. The leaves are nearly gone here, and fall is stripped bare. Weather has been unseasonably warm, and there is a lot of dead deer on the side of the road. I feel like I'm waiting for something, but I think that's more just me wishing for some excitement that's not really going to show up unless I do something.

I don't think I'm willing to change the status-quo... not yet.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Festivus!

This past week has been busy. The Halloween/Samhain season is always chock full of parties, social activities, and for me personally, quiet contemplation. For you folks in America it's time to set your clocks back as daylight dwindles. The leaves on the weeping cherry are just about fallen, and huzzah fall is in full swing.

I find things in life have a rhythm. I also notice that people panic when they think they're supposed to be doing something else instead of listening to the rhythm. Like my friend who freaks out because they are no longer involved in a relationship & feels that they must move on right now. If there's no person in their life, there is something wrong... or another who has reached a certain age and worries that they're not where they're supposed to be in life (not married, their career hasn't developed the way they expected, or their life just has not gone as planned). It's taken me longer than I would have wished, but I realize that things happen when they happen. Relax and just move forward and don't worry what others think or listen to what others say about what you should be or shouldn't be. Being yourself (and yourself truly without pushing your shit onto others) is really the only way to be happy, I find.

I had a dream about a little girl who had a talent, but her mother sent her to a surgeon to make her beautiful instead. She sat in a dentist chair, white medical tape on her forehead, cheeks, and chin to pull her skin back. Mother was at her ear telling her who she should be and what to think. I was thinking about how so many children get lost this way. Parents want their kids to be happy, and they do the best they can, but still, it's amazing what fear can make a person do.

What I wonder is if this has any relation to the preliminary work I'm doing for the book. People who are not really all that interested in that foo-foo pagan new agey stuff still relate to totems. Logos, team mascots, 'power colors', and the like have a psychological effect on us. We may choose a favorite animal as a child because we like how they look and what they can do. Perhaps subconsciously we want to be like them, to run, or fly, or fight, or to know what they know. From what I noticed this is less talked or thought about but changes little as an adult. We still align ourselves with things we want to manifest, only now in our consumer driven culture we focus on brand names, video game characters, and other icons linked to products and entertainment. The need is still there, but instead of exploring ideas and concepts that are truly outside ourselves we are attaching ourselves to concepts and ideas conceived of by another individual or group, and they often have a manipulative agenda to have us buy into their product or service line.

I am wondering how this affects our base spirituality. Providing products and services isn't wrong, we need each other to specialise, one person can't make everything that each individual needs to survive as a collective whole, it's not how our species works. But can't we go to far? Get lost in what is really important?

So anyway, I wonder how this relates to the concepts of demons, and fear. Studies show that people are more isolated, and have less close friends than they did when I was a kid. The way people communicate now is less personal, more surface information. My friend was trying online dating for a while and found most of the men preferred to talk via text. While they were very chatty with that form of communication, they were monosyllabic, stilted, and uncomfortable. I know that's not true for everyone, but it seems to me a growing trend. How does this relate to folklore, and fear? I'm trying to find a relationship. People fear what is unknown to them, and if there's a growing trend of people not connecting and fearing close personal interaction then I personally think this is what may be leading to why eating disorders, depression, and others mental disorders are on the rise.

The arts is the only gateway I know to lead people outside of themselves. So back to folklore. Stories is how people illustrate the relationships between ourselves and the rest of the world. Even if the story is about mathematics or quantum physics, it's still a story. As I write I'll work to illustrate the relationships of archetype, and uncover how the relationship or lack there of manifests in how we connect and relate to ourselves and each other.

Does this make sense? Heh, does it matter? ... probably not yet.

So from Ethopia, here's Getatchew Mekuria & The Ex & Guests, song Tezalegn Yetentu