Blogs are just verbal masturbation

HAha! So why keep one?

(we've reached one of those hours where my internal dialog is running rampant, and today I invite you to come along.)

Most people don't have much interesting to talk about. Most subjects are boring... most blogs seem to be about -feelings- and most people don't know how to really write about what inside them, or outside them... I generally don't read blogs with personal experiences or internal dialog. I tend to read stuff that passes on information, or stuff that makes me laugh or makes me think.

So, of course I'm going to write about me, experiences, feelings. Yes I am that narcissistic... or really it has (almost) nothing to do with that. If I don't write any of this down, nobody else will. A man I knew once comes to mind as I get into this blogging bit again. Easily one of the top ten most interesting people I have ever met, he kept an online diary he started back in the late ninety's, and continued to write about his life till his accidental death in July of 05. The public online diary is gone unfortunately (EDIT: Thank goodness for web archives), but I managed to dig up this quote:

"I look at this place as a scrapbook / journal. A digital version of the paper ones I've kept my entire life. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't read any more into it than necessary. And in a morbid way, a record of my predilections that will hopefully live on after I die, on some server, somewhere. Grandiose? Maybe. Maybe I just have the balls to admit it. Maybe one day, in the year 2201, a relation of mine will see these zeros and ones, and say, "Damn, he had fun." That is, if we don't annihilate one and other."

"Maybe I'll inspire you to be exactly who you want to be. Maybe you'll call me a fool."

I wouldn't call us close friends. We chatted online, I got to meet him in Denver, and we spoke on the phone a few. But interesting, interesting in a way few people are. Passionate, & himself always without apology, and for me an inspiration still. I still think about you Keith Alexander, and I wish you were here.

AH great now I'm all fucking emotional and I forgot what I was going to talk about.

-goes gets coffee-
-comes back-

ok now I remember.

So I was thinking about what to include here. I love to document things, take pictures, make notes (often indecipherable if I hand write them), and draw. It's part of how I express, how I think. Everything I make is part of a history, mine, someone I know, or linked to some historical fact. The confusing part (or the part where it's about to get confusing) is much of what comes to me is internal, stuff that comes without words. I was thinking about fleshing out a bit of a biography, so much of who we become is made up of how we start out as kids, and the experiences we had. Much of my childhood was spent in a severe depression, and from what I remember I didn't talk much. I didn't know how to say or make people understand what was going on with me or how to control the anger I had (which is where I think it came from, unexpressed anger when not dealth with turns inward and can become depression). Because of that I became expressive in other ways... so much of how I think is... color, or sound, or feeling, or something that I lack a narrative language for. It may be linked to that thing people call a learning disability (which just means I process info differently than most other folks do). But life growing up wasn't all black clouds, there were other experiences with nature... well, mostly with nature, and having one or two teachers that didn't see me as lazy or weird (I know what they thought because my mom kept all the records that teachers noted about me from kindergarten through 6th grade. It's interesting to see what people assume about you without really knowing you based off of a diagnosis). I'm thinking if this art crap works out, this would be good stuff to know. So maybe later I'll stick that in here somewhere.

HAH this blog is left to the whim of my fancy! More about work and such in the future (because you can just scroll down if you want to see the past)

Music this time around is by E.S. Posthumus. Song- Arise